Sympathy Ideas

How to help in the weeks after a loss

The sympathy cards have been safely tucked away. The flowers have been carefully pressed and preserved. But the grieving for a lost loved one doesn't end there.

In the weeks following a loss, sights, sounds and special days may trigger feelings of grief. You can acknowledge that grief in meaningful ways that show you remember...and you care.

1. Make a donation in honor of the loved one.
Sometimes, the family designates a special charity for donations that pay tribute to the special interests of their loved one. Other times, you can simply choose a cause you feel the deceased would have loved. The notice for this gift usually comes to the family after the flowers have wilted and the sympathy cards have stopped arriving. It's deeply meaningful to know that the life of a loved one inspires charitable giving and continues to help others.

Depending on the situation, you might also make a contribution in honor of the person or people left behind.

2. Offer support with communications.
There are so many little things you can do to make a difference in a grieving person's world. Just think of all the chores and tasks you need to do to get through a day and look for places you can be of help. Here's a beginning list – you'll probably think of more as you go.

• Mail stamps, notepaper and note cards – they'll be writing many thank-you notes, and having the supplies right there will really help. Having a friend right there can help even more. Something as simple as addressing and stuffing the envelopes can be a tremendous help. Also offer to mail them as they're completed.
• Help with phone calls. They may have friends and out-of-town family members wanting to know how they're doing. Offer to reach out and share information.

3. Offer organizational support.
Offer to consolidate important papers and phone numbers. Monthly bills keep coming no matter how life changes – offer to help organize, write checks, go to the post office, etc. It's difficult to think clearly during a time of grief. Volunteer to make calls to support them on legal and insurance issues related to the death of their loved one.

4. Offer household support.
What is an easy household chore for you can be an insurmountable obstacle for your grieving friend. Here are some ways you can make molehills out of those mountains.

• Feed them. Volunteer to drop a meal by their house. Or mail them coupons for fast food or restaurants that deliver.
• Pick up and deliver. Pick up dry cleaning or groceries. See what kinds of errands they need to run – and run with them (or for them). Take their car and get it washed or serviced.
• Help around the house. Do they need the kitchen floor mopped, the trash collected and carried out, the beds stripped and remade? Take a friend or two and see how you can help make their home more comfortable and clean.
• Pamper the pets. How can you help? Does a dog need to be taken for grooming? Or walked or played with? Clean out the hamster cage, or buy a new catnip toy.

5. Check in weekly.
Imagine taking ten minutes out of your week to give another person a sense of connection and caring. They're coming into the "pure lonely" stretch – after the funeral, a lot of the initial support can tend to taper off. This is a great time to offer someone extra love and support on a weekly basis. Here are some ways you can do this:

• Greeting cards, notes and letters give them something to actually hold – and to reread when they need comfort. The act of taking time to put your thoughts into writing can be a powerful and meaningful gift to the grieving.
• Phone calls or voice messages let them hear the comforting voice of someone who cares.
• E-mail and e-cards are quick ways to stay in touch and let them know your thoughts are with them.
• If you live close by, you can drop by an occasional surprise or treat—just leaving a little something in the mailbox or at their front door.

6. Invite her out for coffee.
This is a time to treat your friend like royalty. Pick her up at her home. Select a quiet place where you're not likely to run into other people you know. Once you get there, you place the order and talk to any necessary wait staff. Then it's time to just listen. Let her really tell you what it's like for her right now. Don't talk about yourself, unless your friend specifically asks. Before you leave, find out if she wants to take anything home, either for herself for later, or for other family members. Buy any to-go goodies and take her back home. It may be just a simple cup of coffee for you, but it's an event for her.

Offering support in the weeks that follow loss will be remembered as a meaningful, caring way to show them that their loved one will not be forgotten.